Negotiation and influence go hand in hand, and effective communication is key to achieving your desired outcome. However, the language you use during negotiations can have a significant impact on whether or not people are willing to follow your lead. Starting your sentences with "you must," "you should," or "you have to" can be a recipe for disaster, as it can come across as bossy and demanding, and it's likely to create resistance rather than agreement.
Why These Phrases Can Backfire
Using "you must," "you should," or "you have to" can be seen as an attempt to control the other person's actions or decisions. This can cause them to feel defensive, and they may be less willing to listen to your perspective. Furthermore, these phrases can come across as condescending, implying that the other person is not capable of making their own decisions. As a result, they are likely to reject your ideas, and you may struggle to reach a compromise.
Choosing Your Language
If you want to influence others successfully, you need to choose your language carefully. Instead of starting your sentences with "you must," "you should," or "you have to," try using more collaborative language that shows respect for the other person's autonomy. For instance, you could use phrases such as "have you considered," "what do you think about," or "let's explore the possibility of."
Language and Self-Talk
It's not just the language we use when speaking to others that matters; the language we use when speaking to ourselves can also have a significant impact on our ability to influence others. Using phrases such as "I have to," "I should," or "I must" can make us feel obligated to do something, rather than motivated to do it. This can create a negative mindset, leading to feelings of stress and pressure.
Choosing Positive Language
Instead of using negative language, try to reframe your thoughts and self-talk into a more positive context. For example, instead of saying "I have to finish this project," try saying "I choose to finish this project because it will help me achieve my goals." This subtle shift in language can help to create a more positive mindset, leading to a greater sense of control and motivation.
Conclusion
Language is a powerful tool in negotiation and influence, and the phrases we choose to use can have a significant impact on our ability to achieve our desired outcomes. Starting your sentences with "you must," "you should," or "you have to" can backfire, creating resistance and leading to conflict. Instead, try to use collaborative language that shows respect for the other person's autonomy. By choosing positive language, you can also create a more positive mindset, leading to greater motivation and success in your negotiations.
References
Cialdini, R. B. (2007). Influence: The psychology of persuasion. Harper Business.
Fisher, R., Ury, W., & Patton, B. (2011). Getting to yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. Penguin.
Shapiro, D. L., & Neale, M. A. (2015). Negotiating: The art of getting what you want. Harvard Business Press.
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